offensive humor

Юмор и развлечения
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offensive humor
Сен. 16, 2021, 11 д.п.
Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r five years.

Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
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Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌
"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
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"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
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"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
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Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
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"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

#oldbutgold
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offensive humor
Сен. 15, 2021, 11 д.п.
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it is..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

#oldbutgold
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offensive humor
Сен. 14, 2021, 11 д.п.
Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.
It was Celsius because he had a degree.

#wordplay
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offensive humor
Сен. 13, 2021, 11 д.п.
Women shouldn't have children after 36.

36 children are more than enough.

#stupid
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offensive humor
Сен. 12, 2021, 11:02 д.п.
A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

#religion
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offensive humor
Сен. 12, 2021, 10:15 д.п.
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and gathers your personal data, and the other is an industry standard.

#oldbutgold
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offensive humor
Сен. 8, 2021, 11:37 д.п.
I got caught fapping while sniffing my mate's sister's underwear...
It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't still wearing it! He went fucking ballistic. Made her funeral super awkward for both of us.

#sexandshit
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offensive humor
Сен. 7, 2021, 4:30 п.п.
Amazing how that Coronavirus has got here from China quicker than I ordered those flu masks.

#news
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offensive humor
Сен. 7, 2021, 7 д.п.
I don't know if I'm watching too much porn but I always make sure I am at home if we call a plumber out.

#sexandshit
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offensive humor
Сен. 6, 2021, 6:36 п.п.
After many years of being together with my mrs it's still nice to get a compliment from her .
Yesterday she said I had a sexy bum.

She looked at me smiled and said
"what an arse"

#other
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offensive humor
Сен. 6, 2021, 6:36 п.п.
As I stared out of the window this morning, I said to my wife:

"Oh my God, look at it, it's so grey and miserable."

"Stop being a cunt" she replied, "just go and let my mother in."

#other
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offensive humor
Сен. 5, 2021, 1:30 п.п.
So there I was — out of work, day drinking in my underwear and moaning about the future.

Then the coronavirus hit.

#other
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offensive humor
Сен. 3, 2021, 7:17 п.п.
If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger? Then how come my hands both look the same age.

#sexandshit
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offensive humor
Сен. 1, 2021, 5:19 п.п.
What's the best thing about shagging a baby?

Your cock looks massive in the video.

#sexandshit
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offensive humor
Авг. 31, 2021, 12:13 п.п.
My daughter asked me, "Daddy, what's a perversion?"

"It's a vacuum cleaner, " I replied.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, "especially when I stick my cock in it."

#sexandshit
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offensive humor
Авг. 28, 2021, 7 д.п.
I saved loads of money on my car insurance today.

I fucked off from the scene of the accident.

#other
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offensive humor
Авг. 27, 2021, 4:30 п.п.
I bought some viagra the other day and read the instructions on the back, noticing that it said "Keep away from children". "I thought to myself what sort of person do they think I am"... "that can't maintan an erection around children".

#sexandshit
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offensive humor
Авг. 27, 2021, 7 д.п.
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Johnny: "Drin-king, smo-king and fuc-king"
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offensive humor
Авг. 26, 2021, 4:30 п.п.
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house will be empty!”

#other
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offensive humor
Авг. 26, 2021, 7 д.п.
Couple goes into a restaurant
The man to the hostess: Can we have a table for 2 please?

Hostess: I’m sorry but you’re going to have to wait

Man: Ok, may I take your order?

#wordplay
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